a bit of a katie girl.

I work out regularly but eat chocolate everyday
I don’t like chivalry but I will let a guy buy me drinks
I like Alanis Morisette and Dolly Parton
I am very passionate but rarely show emotion
I am not scared of large dogs, horses or llamas but I am terrified of rats, mice and long legged bugs
I think professional athletes are grossly overpaid but I watch the Superbowl every year
I am easily bored by romantic comedies but I enjoy cheesy love songs
I have many strong opinions but I probably won’t share them unless you ask
I am often annoyed by the way the media portrays women but I tune into Desperate Housewives every Sunday
I am very sarcastic but will lie to keep from intentionally offending someone
I think Facebook’s News Feed is a ridiculous invasion of privacy but I frequently read it
I love to be with friends but I will only exercise alone
I love to travel but I have trouble reading maps
I am a pro-choice carnivore but I have trouble eating an egg when I think of a baby chick
I take pride in my independence but I am constantly seeking the approval of others
I don’t like to fight but I love to win
I have many layers and wear many masks
I am complex, unpredictable and sometimes hypocritical
I am a Katie Girl

special thanks to the author for this week’s contribution…a true study in paradox! interestingly enough, the word paradox comes from the greek word paradoxon which means “contrary to expectation or opinion” (para=contrary, doxa=opinion). kudos to all the katie girls out there embracing paradox in their own lives by being willing to defy the expectations and opinions of others in favor of being a better version of themselves. as walt whitman once said: “do i contradict myself? then i contradict myself. i am large. i contain multitudes”…maybe he was a katie girl too? (wink).

xoxo.
ellie

p.s. for more information on the katie girl project or to submit an entry, click here!

i am a katie girl because i finally fit comfortably in the “gray”, at least for the time being. for a long time i was in the “black”, and then i had a short stint of “white”; now i am comfortable having absolutely no definition other than “gray”.

i grew up in a seemingly normal family, but found myself in trouble – especially regarding boys. it started with my first kiss at summer camp at the age of 14, and my life got deeper and deeper into the “black”, solidified with my first sexual partner at the age of 16. august 10th, in a hotel room. i think his name was paul. after that, it was “black” nearly every weekend…. i can’t remember their names, where they were from, or anything about them. i loved the gratification, but shortly after would feel intense remorse and depression. they didn’t love me. they probably didn’t even like me. you might say that my “black” was a black hole of empty fulfillment. despite concerned warnings from family and friends, i turned my back. i was too good, i was in too much control. i just didn’t care.

then one cold and lonely night I hit the ultimate bottom of my “black”. i was sick of living. what’s the purpose? there was a voice on the other end of the phone, relaying a message of hope and love; a message of “white” purity and cleanliness. (no, he wasn’t a jehovah witness.) in essence, he was my “white knight”, my savior. he led me to believe in the goodness of people, in the goodness of myself. and after many months, i finally realized i could love myself. i could love him. we had the utmost pure and wonderful relationship, abstaining from drinking, smoking, even sex. i climbed up on my soapbox and denounced family and friends, the ones who tried to save me from the “black”. now they were the ones who needed “saving” from their lives of sin. i burned bridges with my moral preaching and was happy knowing i was better than everyone else. i didn’t need anyone except my white knight.

but the higher you are, the harder you fall. it was bound to happen. i was left in pieces like a broken stained glass window…. once black, and painted over white. Now completely indistinguishable. who am i? where do i belong? i had driven away nearly every friend and family member who remotely cared…. if not by my “black” behavior, than by my “white” condescending preaching. thankfully there were a few other “katie girls” who understood the confusing rollercoaster of “creating yourself” who stuck by my side and were quick to forgive and forget. i love them tremendously and am extremely thankful to have them in my life!

my favorite quote of all time is, “life is not about finding yourself; life is about creating yourself.”

i am 23 and finally starting to realize that i am OKAY in the “grey”. in fact, this is where i belong. i’m neither “black” nor “white”. i am not a sexual deviant or a godsend that lives strictly by the bible’s teachings. i am me. and I have finally “created myself”. i am a “katie girl” who is surrounded by people who love me – grey and all.

the blog moderator would like to offer her special thanks to the author of this piece, a lifelong friend of whom i couldn’t be prouder. i love you, girl.