a bit of a katie girl.

although i rarely use this blog for the purpose of vindication, with the general exception of a running commentary on a certain past relationship and my current irritation with the state of reading in america…something has happened that must be addressed.

two of my dearest friends in the world, m. and r., have recently indulged in some serious minnesota-hating via facebook. now, i’m certain that they knew i would see their respective comments (after all i, like every red blooded female in america, am addicted to facebook newsfeed)…but regardless of whether they are provoking me or not i am rising to the challenge. why? because i am fiercely proud of my native state. some might say abnormally proud…but before you jump to conclusions i would like to share with you several reasons why minnesota, in fact, is the best state in the union:

1. barack obama announced his candidacy in st. paul. need i say more? and even though i may disagree with them, the republicans are also holding their national convention in the land of the frozen chosen. why, you might ask? well, perhaps it has something to do with our exceptionally high level of civic engagement and voter turnout. in fact, we averaged a 76% turnout in presidential election years between 1992 and 2004. that is 16 points higher than the national average and the best in the upper midwest. we also allow same day voter registration, in the ultimate effort to be sure that everyone is included in the democratic process.

2. minneapolis and st. paul constitute two of the top three most literate cities in america. we are also home to the minnesota center for book arts and graywolf press, one of the nation’s leading independent book publishers.

3. minnesota is home to some of the most physically imposing and beautiful landscape in the country. from the rich prairies of blue earth county in the southern part of the state, to the bluffs near red wing and winona, to the craggy shores of lake superior…we have 267,000 acres of state parks. this number does not include the 1.9 million acres of the boundary waters canoe area in northern minnesota, one of the most pristine wilderness areas left in the country. All of this in addition to our famed 10,000 lakes (and, for the record, it is actually closer to 12,000).

4. minnesotans enjoy an exceptionally high quality of life, we are rated the second most healthy state overall and have one of the lowest poverty rates in the country. we are ranked third for the overall wellbeing of our children and have one of the highest rates of volunteerism in the country.

5. minnesota has one of the finest arts communities in the country. the minnesota orchestra is consistently ranked among the top ten in the nation, while the walker and minneapolis institute of arts offer two of the most well rounded collections of art in the midwest. we are also home to the st. paul chamber orchestra and minnesota public radio, one of the most successful public radio stations in the country. minnesota has also produced significant popular music acts, including bob dylan and the jayhawks.

6. famous writers from minnesota: garrison keillor, f. scott fitzgerald, maud heart lovelace, louise erdrich, anne tyler, tim o’brien, sinclair lewis and robert bly.

7. some of the best institutions of higher learning in the country are in minnesota. including four of the 100 best liberal arts colleges (as ranked by USNews). these are: carleton college, macalaster college, ST. OLAF COLLEGE and the college of st. benedict. oh, and for all you haters out there, st. olaf college is THE ONLY college in minnesota to be included in loren pope’s acclaimed book “colleges that change lives”. so put that in your pipe and smoke it.

8. inventions that wouldn’t exist without l’etoile du nord (the star of the north): masking tape, scotch tape, wheaties, aveda products, caribou coffee, spam, milky way candy bars, bisquick, staplers and green giant vegetables. not to mention TARGET, perhaps the single favorite retail store of 20-somethings everywhere.

9. we are the source of the freaking mississippi river!

10. the list could go on, but the number 10 reason is that i am from minnesota. and that, in and of itself, makes my state great.

xoxo.
ellie

i wrote yesterday about a conversation i had with my mom where she asked me where my spunk was. and by golly, i think i’ve started to find it.

i ate well yesterday (and by well i mean healthily), i took a walk and put on my ipod. i saw a friend who had been gone for the weekend. i chatted with a few interesting people (some of whom i live with) and when it was all said and done, i sat down to write about it in my journal. what i came up with (subject line: feels like today) was a reflection on the process of self improvement.

i think all too often we focus our energy on (very) boring goals that are supposed to make us better people. when i looked back at my new year’s resolutions for 2008 (in a word document on my computer titled 2008 goals) i found a really short list. “get healthy and lose weight” was all it said. for pages and pages before that i had talked about my angst over the past year. leaving college, moving to d.c., breaking up with two people (ugh)…and all i could come up with for a goal was “get healthy and lose weight”

WHAT!? that was my only goal for 2008!? the year of the rat!? the year i turn 23!? honestly, ellen. get yourself together. something must have changed inside of me over the last six months because i have never, ever read anything so ridiculous. do i need to lose weight? sure. so do a lot of people. and i’m working on it. but what kind of a boring person has that as their only goal. in between today and last december i’ve started looking for work, making new friends, and tested out my newly mended heart by loving the people around me with a new, fierce love. one that i didn’t think i was capable of anymore six short months ago.

oh, and by the way, i’ve lost twenty five pounds too. so there.

as i was writing last night i was also thinking about this scene from the move “the holiday” when kate winslet’s character is out to lunch with an old time movie producer she meets during a trip to l.a. our dear kate has found herself with a seriously broken heart from dating a seriously mean guy (who hasn’t been there). her aged friend tells her: “in the movies we cast two kinds of women. the leading ladies and the best friend. you are leading lady material.” she stares at hom for a minute and contemplates. then exclaims “you’re right. you ought to be the leading lady in your own damn life.” now THAT is pluck (not to mention gumption, mettle, and spunk).

what i wrote last night in my journal (and what i’m coming to realize) is that it took me four years to gain the weight. and although this might seem like a cop-out, there were a lot of outside factors at play. and i realized last night that what it basically boils down to is that i allowed myself to become the “best friend”. a secondary character in this drama called life that for me (over the past two years) has included a shattered heart, losing friendships, growing up, gaining weight, watching other people get married, severe depression, graduating from college, and making some major mistakes (among other things).

i didn’t face these things with gumption, with pluck, with courage…because i couldn’t. because i wasn’t able to stand in myself and say screw the screenplay (which in life, none of us write anyway). i let someone, something take that right away from me. i wasn’t an actor, i was acted upon. the best leading ladies can take any script, no matter how awful, because they are talented. and beautiful. and willful. and you know what? i’m all of those things too.

so i sat down late last night and wrote out twelve new goals the next year. a sort of half birthday for new year’s eve, i suppose. and yes, i’m still trying to lose weight. i’m still working on eating healthy. and i still hope to have met my goals in this department within the next year. but while i’m working on that, i’m also going to do all this stuff too:

1. go on a real date with someone truly interesting.
2. do one thing that really challenges me physically.
3. read every book ever written by one author.
4. start a travel fund for my next adventure abroad.
5. have one day where i feel absolutely beautiful.
6. get a tattoo.
7. write a love letter (even if i don’t send it).
8. take a road trip.
9. memorize a poem.
10. skinny dip.
11. make a new friend.
12. talk to my grandmas about their childhood memories and take the time to write some things down.

and that, mom, is what i call spunk.

xoxo.
ellie

my mom is one of those delightful people who dispenses a lot of advice. and i mean, a lot of advice. she has spent the last twenty three years advising me. and while i wish i could say that i listen to all of her wisdom…i don’t. like most willful, sassy children i tend to let it go in one ear and out the other. until later on when it bites me in the ass and i think…i should have listened to mom.

there are many mom-isms that i’ve only recently come to understand, even though they are all advice that has been offered to me over and over again. these include (but are certainly not limited to):

1. if everyone else says it is a bad decision, it probably is. if everyone else says you are wrong, you probably are.

2. everyone deserves to love and be loved.

3. the people who are worth it fall in love with you because of the journey you are on. not because of the destination.

i often call my mom for advice. i also often call her when i am bored, sick, irritated, happy, excited, nervous, anxious…well, you get the picture. the woman has been subject to my every mood swing and tear since birth and as a result, knows exactly how to deal with me. so when i called her last night, after a weekend of moping where my internal dialogue went something like this–

i’m so bored. why aren’t r. and d. home. i miss my family. i want to move home. i’m sick of washington d.c. i’m never going to get a job. i’m irritated with my housemates. i want to travel. everyone else is getting married. everyone else is having babies. i’m fat. i’m ugly. i’m bored. my life is so uninteresting.

–i was expecting sympathy. no such luck. she was in the middle of finishing her final paper for her multicultural health class (because on top of the full time job of being my mother and managing an entire emergency room…she is getting her master’s degree) and after patiently listening for a few minutes she offered a new kind of advice. in the form of the following, simple question:

where is your spunk?

where is my spunk? what a pointless question. i’m tired, i’m crabby and for heaven’s sake I DON’T KNOW where it is. boy, was i irritated. i hung up the phone irritated. i went to bed irritated and thrashed around for awhile like a two year old. and i woke up this morning still annoyed. then, in an effort to make myself feel better, i went on dictionary.com and looked up the word spunk, because for some reason etymology tends to have a pacifying effect on my moods. here is what i came up with:

Definition #1: pluck, spirit, mettle.
Definition #2: touchwood, tinder or punk.

hmm. i cross referenced (good english major that i am) and came up with the following definitions for pluck:

1. to pull suddenly.
2. courage or resolution in the face of difficulties.

and then (finally beginning to feel a bit better), i cross referenced mettle:

1. courage and fortitude.
2. in the position of being incited to do one’s best

use it in a sentence, please?

the loss of the first round put him on his mettle to win the match.

okay. so maybe mom was right. although i’m anxious to be done with lvc…to move forward with my life…i need to face where i am right now with a bit more excitement. with a bit more spunk. i need to be on my mettle to come out of this year with a sense of achievement. a better sense of self. an unshakable belief that i have grown this year.

and in the name of personal growth, here are the areas of my life i’ve identified as needing to approach with a bit more pluck:

1. my commitment to exercise, eating right and personal health.
2. the eternal, awful search for employment.
3. my community.
4. healing my heart and forgiving myself.
5. enjoying my life in washington d.c.

so, in the name of pluck (and because mom is usually right), here it goes. i have seven weeks left and i am going to enjoy them and keep moving forward. because the truth of the matter is, when it is freezing cold in minneapolis next november, i am going to be pissed at myself if i don’t take advantage of the time i had to be myself, here.

xoxo.
ellie

The Chronicles of a Katie Girl:

Singing and dancing in my underwear

Falling repeatedly in public places
(this is because I am clumsy – not because of intoxication or weather conditions)

Getting my heart broken, walking away…and STILL being an optimist

Trusting in people with my whole heart

Snorting while laughing, which only makes me laugh harder (this is reserved for special occasions)

Being so ridiculous with my friends that we annoy people around us, but refusing to apologize for said behavior

Taking “strides of pride” never “walks of shame”

Not regretting the things I do, regretting the things I don’t

Taking roads trips where you spend more time in the car than in the place you are visiting
(it’s the journey – not the destination)

Carrying my heels more than wearing them

Never shying away from an argument

REFUSING TO SETTLE

Knowing the importance of a good glass (or bottle) of wine

Striving for joy not perfection
(let’s be honest I’m not nor will I ever be perfect)

Wearing my rainbows everyday

Facing my fears

Giving attitude
(when called for)

Looking back and realizing I am at the beginning of my life…

i’d like to thank this week’s contributer for her submission…which i took far too long to post. if the katie girl project had a “manifesta” i think most of these things would be included…and its author is someone i am truly blessed to have as a friend and confidant. i love you. for more information on the katie girl project or to submit an entry, click here

I work out regularly but eat chocolate everyday
I don’t like chivalry but I will let a guy buy me drinks
I like Alanis Morisette and Dolly Parton
I am very passionate but rarely show emotion
I am not scared of large dogs, horses or llamas but I am terrified of rats, mice and long legged bugs
I think professional athletes are grossly overpaid but I watch the Superbowl every year
I am easily bored by romantic comedies but I enjoy cheesy love songs
I have many strong opinions but I probably won’t share them unless you ask
I am often annoyed by the way the media portrays women but I tune into Desperate Housewives every Sunday
I am very sarcastic but will lie to keep from intentionally offending someone
I think Facebook’s News Feed is a ridiculous invasion of privacy but I frequently read it
I love to be with friends but I will only exercise alone
I love to travel but I have trouble reading maps
I am a pro-choice carnivore but I have trouble eating an egg when I think of a baby chick
I take pride in my independence but I am constantly seeking the approval of others
I don’t like to fight but I love to win
I have many layers and wear many masks
I am complex, unpredictable and sometimes hypocritical
I am a Katie Girl

special thanks to the author for this week’s contribution…a true study in paradox! interestingly enough, the word paradox comes from the greek word paradoxon which means “contrary to expectation or opinion” (para=contrary, doxa=opinion). kudos to all the katie girls out there embracing paradox in their own lives by being willing to defy the expectations and opinions of others in favor of being a better version of themselves. as walt whitman once said: “do i contradict myself? then i contradict myself. i am large. i contain multitudes”…maybe he was a katie girl too? (wink).

xoxo.
ellie

p.s. for more information on the katie girl project or to submit an entry, click here!

i need to preface this by saying that i absolutely love my church. and i mean that. i go to a great, progressive, interesting lutheran church in northwest washington d.c. that is filled with all kinds of wonderful, supportive people who have made my time here much less lonely.

i also happen to love liturgy. of the high church variety. incense, pipe organ, chanting the psalms…i can’t get enough of it. i love the structure and the order. i love that when i stand in the chancel with the augustana lutheran church choir and sing “a mighty fortress is our god” my parents and my brother are halfway across the country doing the same thing. i love that if i could look back to a sunday morning seventy years ago, my great grandpa draeger would be preaching a sermon in his little lutheran church in brownton, minnesota. and that if i looked back one hundred years before that, my ancestors would be sitting in a lutheran church somewhere in northern germany singing the same hymn, listening to the same stories, believing in the same god. so when people talk about “finding jesus” i feel a little confused, because in my family…we never lost him. my christian faith is a faith that goes back generations, it is communal, and i stand in my faith knowing that it is not entirely my own. it has been bequeathed to me by generations of faithful men and women. by a church that, although imperfect, still reflects the movement of a living god, here and now. in this place. in these times.

with all that being said, i move to the humorous part of the entry. this weekend at church the smoke alarm went off. right at the beginning of the service. this is largely because augustana has what i like to delicately refer to as “an incense problem”. we love the stuff. seriously. we use it as often as possible. and since we are still celebrating the easter season, we’re rocking it every week. along with “he is risen, he is risen indeed!”

it has recently warmed up in d.c. that lovely point where neither air conditioning nor heat is immediately necessary. so the church (full of stingy lutherans, god bless them), had neither on this past sunday morning. my guess is that this decreased the air flow through the sanctuary and the billowing smoke from the incense burner made its way to the ceiling and hung out there long enough for the smoke alarm to go off. right in the middle of “this is the feast”. but my favorite part about all of this is that nobody moved. no one said anything. sure there were smiles, perhaps even a few giggles (i plead the fifth on this one), but the service went on.

and when we started chanting psalm 68 (may god arise, may his enemies be scattered;may his foes flee before him. as smoke is blown away by the wind, may you blow them away)…no seriously, the service still went on. the ritual continued. as i sat there trying not to laugh i realized that this anecdote could be used in two very distinct ways as a metaphor for faith. either (1) you need to persevere in spite of interruption or (2) an emphasis on ritual can blind people to what is really happening around them. perhaps needless to say, i choose the former rather than the latter.

the thing of it is, god interrupts our lives all the time. in fact, there are times when i feel like my entire path in life has consisted of interruptions. there have been multiple times in my life when i thought things were going on swimmingly, when in fact there was a major detour coming my way. there are those of you out there who might call this fate, or karma, or perhaps even bad luck…but what i’m reflecting on this morning (and have been over the course of this project) is that the most complicated times in my life are often the most interesting. the interruptions in the path i’ve created for myself are where the real divinity in my life seems to sneak in. just like some of the most complicated women i know, the katie girls, are the most beautiful. they radiate the knowledge that life rarely turns out the way you have it planned…but somehow god, or luck, or buddha, or the universe…pulls a fast one on you and you end up in a better place than where you started.

when i was going through a “dark night of faith” a couple years ago, i had the following quote on my mirror from renowned christian author c.s. lewis:

“god whispers in our pleasures, but shouts in our pain. it his megaphone to rouse a deaf world”

what i believe, and what the smoke alarm reminded me of this weekend, is that the painful parts of life are often an awakening to something greater. put another way by john lennon:

“life is what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans”

and finally, from the gurus we all hold so near and dear, the sex and the city gals:

“maybe mistakes are what make our fate… without them what would shape our lives? maybe if we had never veered off course we wouldn’t fall in love, have babies, or be who we are. after all, things change, so do cities, people come into your life and they go. but it’s comforting to know that the ones you love are always in your heart… and if you’re very lucky, a plane ride away.”

more katie girl stories tomorrow, until then happy monday.

xoxo.
ellie

I’m a Katie Girl because of society. Society has created a mold for me that I am simultaneously trying to fight and fit into. Societal pressures are so much a part of me that I can no longer figure out the difference between what I want and what society wants me to want. This makes me complicated.

Who I am in the context of my society allows people to make assumptions about me. For example:

I am female, and therefore must love chocolate and hope to one day have a family.
I am from middle-class white suburbia and must therefore be naïve about issues like racism and poverty.
I am 23 and therefore must enjoy alcohol and going out on the weekends.
I am blond and therefore must be not so smart
I am from Minnesota and therefore must like hot dish and cold weather.
I am from the U.S. and therefore must know how to read and write.
I am a feminist and therefore have to be pro-choice.
I am a math minor and therefore must a nerd.

These are only a few examples, and while some of these stereotypes are true, some are false. Some I embrace, some I fight tooth and nail. Why do I do this? Why am I so afraid to either meet or not meet these expectations? Why do I care about what society says I should or shouldn’t be? I act different around my parents than I do around my friends. My co-workers see me in a different way than my clients do. I am always trying to figure out what people’s expectations are of me first and then deciding whether or not I want to try and meet them. I continually try to decide what I feel and what society has told me to feel. Despite years of searching, I still haven’t figured out who I am and who I want to be. That makes me complicated. That makes me a Katie Girl.

i’d like to offer my formal apology to this week’s katie girl for taking so long to put her entry up on the blog. and for always eating her chocolate chips. thanks for such a thoughtful response. for more information on the katie girl project or to submit an entry, click here.

In first grade I shoved a rock up my nose. It got stuck. In fourth grade every girl in Grandview, Missouri, got the bright idea to shave only the back of their heads. It was some kind of rebellious fashion statement, and one I rarely admit to doing. In sixth grade I started my period and insisted that it wasn’t normal. I was so persistent that my mother had to take me to the doctor. I refused to believe that my mother, a nurse, knew what she was talking about. In seventh grade I received my first kiss. Ken Willert was the one to give it to me. My friends and I were at Mitch Karsten’s birthday party, girls on one side of the room and boys on the other. The kiss was strategically planned, not romantic or spontaneous in any way, and I refused to kiss him until I found my Dr. Pepper Chap Stick. I had to make sure my lips were soft after all. Two years ago I dated a guy named Ben. I was bored, and he was cute, until he turned in to a stalker. I had mentioned that I liked Batman, and one day I came home to find him in my apartment in nothing but a child sized Batman cape. I sent him home. Three weeks ago,I accidentally found out that the father of my son is having a baby. This was quite a shock to me because he had been trying to get back together with me for months. He would tell me how sorry he was for things that happened in the past, tell me he loves me, and wants nothing more than to have his family back. I knew that even though there were still feelings on both people’s parts, I couldn’t ever go back to that relationship. I didn’t want to be with the father of my child, but he should damn well be miserable and pine over me. I figured that he deserved it after everything that he had done. I spent the rest of the night throwing myself a pity party and avoiding his text messages and calls. Unfortunately when I was ready to talk the only thing that could come out of my mouth, after some alcoholic beverages, was, “I hope your baby has five legs.”

I thought about how immature that phrase was for about a week, and then I realized something. It is ok to do things I regret. I’m not saying I should go out and purposely do things that are stupid, but all of my experiences have taught me something. For example, I now know that rocks do not belong in body cavities, that being a woman is a normal biological thing, and I have learned that clippers should only be used on members of the male species. Spontaneous kisses that hold feeling and meaning are the best, and I no longer worry about having Chap Stick. I figure I am a little old for Dr. Pepper flavor and so have now matured to Tropical Punch Kool-Aid. Dating someone because I am bored never goes anywhere and is a waste of time. Maturing enough to consider someone else’s feelings is something that I am glad to have learned. I can now just tell someone that it isn’t working out rather than hoping that he gets my subtle cues and disappears. Even though I still do not like the idea of my son’s father having another child, a baby with five legs just wouldn’t be a good thing.

Learning to let things go is not an easy task, and I have not mastered it by any means. I am positive that I will have more moments that I am not proud of, and I welcome them. I figure it is how I handle myself during and after them that shapes who I am. I can only hope that as I age and mature that I live a life without regret and have many stories to tell.

i’d like to thank this week’s contributer for such an incredible essay! for more information on the katie girl project or how to submit a piece, click here.

happy friday!

xoxo.
ellie

i am a katie girl because i finally fit comfortably in the “gray”, at least for the time being. for a long time i was in the “black”, and then i had a short stint of “white”; now i am comfortable having absolutely no definition other than “gray”.

i grew up in a seemingly normal family, but found myself in trouble – especially regarding boys. it started with my first kiss at summer camp at the age of 14, and my life got deeper and deeper into the “black”, solidified with my first sexual partner at the age of 16. august 10th, in a hotel room. i think his name was paul. after that, it was “black” nearly every weekend…. i can’t remember their names, where they were from, or anything about them. i loved the gratification, but shortly after would feel intense remorse and depression. they didn’t love me. they probably didn’t even like me. you might say that my “black” was a black hole of empty fulfillment. despite concerned warnings from family and friends, i turned my back. i was too good, i was in too much control. i just didn’t care.

then one cold and lonely night I hit the ultimate bottom of my “black”. i was sick of living. what’s the purpose? there was a voice on the other end of the phone, relaying a message of hope and love; a message of “white” purity and cleanliness. (no, he wasn’t a jehovah witness.) in essence, he was my “white knight”, my savior. he led me to believe in the goodness of people, in the goodness of myself. and after many months, i finally realized i could love myself. i could love him. we had the utmost pure and wonderful relationship, abstaining from drinking, smoking, even sex. i climbed up on my soapbox and denounced family and friends, the ones who tried to save me from the “black”. now they were the ones who needed “saving” from their lives of sin. i burned bridges with my moral preaching and was happy knowing i was better than everyone else. i didn’t need anyone except my white knight.

but the higher you are, the harder you fall. it was bound to happen. i was left in pieces like a broken stained glass window…. once black, and painted over white. Now completely indistinguishable. who am i? where do i belong? i had driven away nearly every friend and family member who remotely cared…. if not by my “black” behavior, than by my “white” condescending preaching. thankfully there were a few other “katie girls” who understood the confusing rollercoaster of “creating yourself” who stuck by my side and were quick to forgive and forget. i love them tremendously and am extremely thankful to have them in my life!

my favorite quote of all time is, “life is not about finding yourself; life is about creating yourself.”

i am 23 and finally starting to realize that i am OKAY in the “grey”. in fact, this is where i belong. i’m neither “black” nor “white”. i am not a sexual deviant or a godsend that lives strictly by the bible’s teachings. i am me. and I have finally “created myself”. i am a “katie girl” who is surrounded by people who love me – grey and all.

the blog moderator would like to offer her special thanks to the author of this piece, a lifelong friend of whom i couldn’t be prouder. i love you, girl.